Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality, George Costanza with a toupee is in a word… breathtaking. He’s a handsome man, with hair. The fact that George’s ‘friends’ gave him so much hate for his new look, which is featured in season 6’s “The Beard”, always bothered me. In fact, I think George’s fake hair is better than all the other characters real hair.

Yes, I know the show is about four selfish friends that deep down don’t really want each other to be happy or succeed (well other than Kramer, he was a truth teller and I think an actual good person — the character that is). But it’s also supposed to be a show grounded in reality. Maybe the toupee was too good, or maybe George just pulled it off too well, but what Elaine and Jerry were arguing made no sense. Which can only lead me to believe that the only reason they were criticizing George was because of pure jealousy.

Let’s look at the facts. Elaine says he looks ‘ridiculous’ with the toupee. That’s just false. George isn’t known for picking up women on the spot, however, with hair he picked up a model almost immediately:  

But let’s just say he did look ridiculous, why would she care? You can’t teach that type of confidence. It’s like when I bust out my salmon colored polo shirt (which a girl once complemented back in 2013), just an immediate rush of confidence. Why knock someone down when they’re riding high? Well, unless you’re a mean spirited and insecure person. Deep down, Elaine knew George looked good, she was worried about ‘missing the boat’, because Costanza with hair is a catch (pun intended). 

Jerry’s argument is that it’s obvious to everyone that he’s wearing a toupee. Is it though? I could see close friends thinking it is obvious because it’s such a stark change, but someone first meeting him (like the model or the bald woman Kramer set him up with) would have no idea. Jerry isn’t one to give a pure compliment to anyone (unless it’s about Georges hearing abilities) so the fact that he was so adamant about it looking fake shoulda have been a red flag. Based off of Jerry’s track record, if it actually was obviously, he would have wanted George to keep wearing it so he could make more jokes at his expense. If you had never seen these characters before and you lined all four of them up and asked someone who was wearing a wig, I think George may be picked last. These early 90 hairdo’s are absurd: 

Once again the Buddy Book Club (this is a book club podcast blog by the way…) is on the side of George. Check out the full clip below and reach out to us and let us know if you think differently.

Working from home makes you forget what the real world is like. When you do venture out to a coffee shop or grocery store, all the human idiocy gets boiled down and amplified. You start to question how on earth we made it this far as a society with so many absolute jabronis walking around.

A recent coffee shop visit had me fuming, and naturally since I’m a huge pussy I decided to write a blog about it instead of actually confronting anyone. Below is a list of Coffee Shop Pet Peeves, many that occurred during this one visit:

Coffee Shop Pet Peeves

The main reason we started blogging is really so that this specific blog/exposé/bombshell/masterpiece could be written. On the eve of the Super Bowl, the biggest chicken wing day in the world, it only makes sense that a conspiracy that has been suppressed by ‘Big Chicken’ for too long, will be uncovered: Chickens are now bred with multiple wings.

Some will call this blog our magnus opus or Pulitzer Prize worthy. Most will call it the dumbest thing they’ve ever read. The below information is not only entirely too long, but also entirely unnecessary. With that in mind, I present to you the Chicken Wing Conspiracy Theory.

**Look to your right, now look to your left, now look even further to your right and left. 1 in 5 people will agree that this conspiracy has merit, the other 4 are just closed minded government pawns that can’t think outside the box.

Chicken Wing History & Basics

Chicken wings first rose to prominence in Buffalo, New York in the late 1960s. Until that time chicken wings were, ‘inexpensive and undesirable, primarily being used for stock or soup’. Once this delicious appetizer/meal/lifestyle caught on, demand exploded. Bars, restaurants, pizza joints all started offering wings, and even religious institutions started popping up in their honor (Hooters, Buffalo Wild Wings, Wingstop, etc.).

A “normal” chicken is comprised of 2 wings, which are broken into the flat (like our elbow to hand) and the drumette (the shoulder to the elbow). General consensus is that the average chicken wing meal consists of 8-10 wings (or 2-2.5 chickens). The average American consumes 290 wings a year or 24/month.

This is really where the questions started for me, if chicken wings are this popular, and 2-3 chickens must be killed to consume a normal sized meal (versus, for example, a half a chicken if you’re eating a chicken breast), then how is the chicken industry possibly meeting these increased demands?

Why Are Chickens Bred With More Wings?

Every great conspiracy/cover up needs a ‘why’. What is the motivation? This one is quite simple, economics.

Farmers/’Big Chicken’ rejoiced as a once useless part of the chicken, started making them money. All was looking great until wing demand started to surpass supply. The supply/demand issue becomes much more apparent during the Super Bowl. This year 1.45 billion chicken wings will be consumed on Super Bowl Sunday. That’s 4+ wings for every single person in the entire US or 1 full chicken (if you’re one of those that still believes they only produce 4 wings). So I ask a very simple question, if demand for chicken wings spikes 100x during the Super Bowl (and March Madness), but regular chicken demand stays flat, how is the chicken industry possibly covering this sudden spike?

(Wow, whoever made that graph above must be a handsome graphic designer, who definitely didn’t use Microsoft Paint).

Arguments of the Sheep (Those That Don’t Believe)

Deniers will claim two things are happening – both of which are messages that have been conveniently pushed out by the mainstream media:

1) They just kill more chickens during this period and then drop prices of chicken breasts, thighs etc. to create more demand and get rid of the excess supply

This is economics 101, and in a vacuum makes sense. But this would be a logistical nightmare. Every year they would have to kill way more chickens then needed and flood the market with all the different chicken products in order to get rid of excess demand. I’m not buying it (both the excess chicken or the theory). Plus, if the National Agricultural Statistical Service is to believed, chicken slaughtering (their word) in February actually goes down:

And pricing rarely ever fluctuates for regular chicken month to month – if anything it’s at it’s highest in February.

**Unfortunately I wasn’t able to find any more recent pricing, likely because ‘Big Chicken’ knows I’m onto them and are covering these up.

2) They already have a surplus of wings that they freeze to meet those demands 

If this is to be believed and we assume that companies like to burn money storing wings at expensive freezer warehouses, then theoretically there should always be a surplus in supply that’s just sitting in these freezers. There really shouldn’t be any price volatility, because supply is never an issue. Yet… there are masses swings in supply:

And there are massive swings in pricing:

How is this possible if there is always an excess in chicken wings? Wouldn’t it make more sense that instead they bred too many or too few chickens with multiple wings? That chickens with extra wings are their own subset and they just projected incorrectly, and that is why there is no change with all other chicken products? Tell em’ Katt!

The Chicken Wing Solution

Big Chicken is no different than Amazon, they are in the logistics business. The easiest way to save money and prevent big swings in supply is to create chickens with extra wings. Generically modifying chickens with 6+ wings to be exact. Then they breed more or less of these multi-winged chickens depending on projected demands. That’s just logical, and good business.

As an example, let’s say a shoe company makes their shoes and shoe laces together. Shoe laces are the significantly cheaper portion of the shoe but are part of the shoe still… Almost like a wing. All of a sudden shoe laces become super popular. There are crazy spikes in demand for shoe laces that do not follow the same demand trend line as shoes. Do you think that company would continue to make shoes and shoelaces together or do what is more efficient/logistical and make shoe laces separately to meet the increased demand?

This is the same dilemma farmers/Big Chicken faced. They found a solution so that they don’t have to kill more chickens than needed and can cover wing demand. This isn’t new, farms already specifically breed animals for certain purposes. That’s why the recent bird flu outbreak hasn’t impacted chicken wing costs. 

Is it Possible to Genetically Modify Chickens to Have Extra Wings?

If you don’t realize that that Big Chicken/Cow/Pig are genetically modifying the shit out of everything already, then I don’t know what to tell you. In my mind, this is the most plausible aspect of the whole conspiracy theory. It’s not even a question of if they can do this. Our upcoming book at the Buddy Book Club (have I mentioned this is a book blog?) is the 1990 classic Jurassic Park. In the book they go to great lengths talking about genetic mortifications that were occurring during that time period (and that was 33 years ago!) and how it isn’t that far fetched to think dinosaurs could be recreated. Is there a correlation between all of this and Dino Chicken Nuggets? Maybe.

Or you can look back just 24 years ago when they were testing modifying chickens at Harvard: 

We see examples of this everywhere. They’ve made a seedless watermelon. It’s seedless, it can’t reproduce! They can do anything! Oh, and If you think any sort of ethics would stop people, they’ve been casually cutting open cows and leaving their stomach opens since the 1920’s and no one even blinked an eye. 

How are Chickens With Multiple Wings Being Covered Up?

This is another common defense, ‘surely there would be evidence if this was occurring!’ Well there would be, but there are state and federal laws that prevent anyone from exposing what actually happens at farms (and don’t call me Shirley).

Ag-gag typically refers to state laws in the United States of America that forbid undercover filming or photography of activity on farms without the consent of their owner—particularly targeting whistleblowers of animal rights abuses at these facilities. Although these laws originated in the United States, they have also begun to appear elsewhere, such as in Australia and Canada.

Or you’re sued/imprisoned/killed for bringing it to light.

Is ‘Big Chicken’ Going to Murder Me for Exposing Them?

Most likely. I know too much. If anyone from Big Chicken is reading this, I’m joking around, this is a comedy site!

If we’re being honest though, I don’t really care that I’m eating wings that are from chickens with multiple wings, it doesn’t bother me at all. What’s the alternative, chicken wings become as expensive as Wagyu? No thanks, keep producing those multi-winged chickens, and keep that price low. Personally, I plan on eating at least 12 wings tomorrow (or 1 chickens worth).

How to Make the Best Chicken Wings (From a Chicken That Has 6+ Wings)

Luckily we have a resident chef here at the Buddy Book Club who can help out with this:

1. Pat dry chicken wings thoroughly
2. Salt generously add baking powder and place on wire rack in the fridge for a few hours or overnight⁣⁣
3. Fry twice – once at 325 until wings are just starting to brown (can be done hours before serving) – then again at 375 just for a couple minutes until skin is crispy
4. Drain on wire rack and mix 1/2 stick of butter with 1 cup of hot sauce (Frank’s) in a sauce pan – toss to coat and you’re done! 
5. Pick yourself up some carrots, celery, ranch, and blue cheese. (Editors disagree between ranch and blue cheese.)

Enjoy the Super Bowl everyone, and eat some chicken wings!

Love, 

Buddy Book Club

Have some conspiracy theories of your own?  Or want to tell us how brilliant/dumb we are. Well reach out!

This clip is making the rounds on the interwebs again:

Frankly, it’s a travesty. I would 1000% mess up in the same way. Luckily, we read The Song of Achilles so I may have actually gotten this one, but there are plenty of words that would be my… Achilles heel (sorry had to do it, see below). 

Now, I’m not a big Wheel of Fortune guy, I’m more of a watch Jeopardy and get zero answers right, type of guy. But how dumb is it that the whole game is based on spelling but then you get penalized for mispronouncing words? How you pronounce words is different depending on how/where you grew up. Are people with different accents or dialects not allowed to play? There are literally idioms about this very thing, “tomayto, tomahto”.

This reminds me of my 7th grade science class when we had to learn bird calls. Hint: they all sound the exact same. When I took the test I got about 10/15 right but was given a 3/15 cause I spelled 7 of them wrong. It’s not a fucking spelling test! This is the exact same scenario (although I guess this is a spelling test). But why does it matter how they pronounce the words, especially when all the letters are filled in? And why the fuck were we learning bird calls anyway? Teach me how to be a grown up!

From here on out I am boycotting watching Wheel of Fortune, that’ll show them (I honestly don’t even know if this show still runs). But anyway here is a list of words that I am unable to read the first go around. Always have to do a double take.

Hardest Words to Read

Archive – “Arch-ive” – great map in Goldeneye, I started calling it ‘arch-ive’ then and I haven’t looked back.  

Chelsea – “Chel-see-a” – in the true Queen’s English they pronounce the “a”.

Chipotle – “Ch-po-tle” – I live in San Diego, I shouldn’t have to know how to pronounce this word. Local Mexican spots only.

Colonel – “Colon-ial” – a military man that captures colonies.

Expedite – “Ex-ped-iate” – expediate is just a faster version of expedite.

Hyperbole – “hyper-boll” – not to speak in hyperboles, but this is the worst fucking word to read.

Mediocre vs. Mediocrity – why are these words pronounced so differently?

Patronize vs Patronise – Anyone that corrects you is both patronizing you and patronising you.

There are probably 1,000 more that I’ll remember after posting this. If you’re interested, you can hear us mispronounce them on the Podcast or misspell them in on our blogs. Let us know what were missing, reach out.

Buddy Book Club here once again fixing your travel issues. We’ve already ranted and raved about Southwest and their terrible open seating policy. Within two months of that blog we saw Southwest getting absolutely dragged for their handling of flight cancelation and overall customer service. Which was all just likely a symptom of their terrible seating policy. So airports and those flying better heed our advice, or you’ll be next!

Flying is stressful, I get it. Humans were not meant to be launched through the sky in a large cramped cylinder. It’s unnatural, it’s inhumane. I understand why passengers go a bit crazy. Am I getting out in front of a potentially incriminating video of me screaming at a flight attendant about getting Seagram’s Ginger Ale rather than Canada Dry? Perhaps. 

But once you’ve gone through that hellish 6+ hour flight, get off and finally stretch your legs and release that fart you were holding in for the whole flight, can we all go back to being normal civilized humans? I mean have you seen what baggage claim looks like nowadays? What are we doing?

Passengers immediately rush the baggage claim carousel and surround it like it’s a One Direction reunion concert. Then they just sit there and stare at the opening like it’s the Alien spaceship from Independence Day.  Do they know that their bag doesn’t come out any faster just because they’re giving the carousel an HJ. For normal people that are standing back, it makes it impossible to see if your bag has come out or even find a lane to grab it when it does.

The worst part is that these people have no awareness, none. Just a bunch of people with Ethan Albright Madden level awareness.  They’ll sit shoulder to shoulder right at the carousel, and make you do a gymnastics routine to get around them. You’ll dislocate your shoulder and tear an ACL trying to get your bag out, but god forbid they move and inch and potentially miss their bag that hasn’t come out yet but may wiz by them at a blistering 1.02 mph (yes, I did the math). Then if you brush up against them, they’ll look at you like you’re the asshole!

What this shows is not only a total lack of awareness, but also a lack of empathy, cognitive reasoning, and moral fiber. These people should be arrested, maimed, or killed. A little harsh? Maybe, but when you really think about it, is it? All the traits that are on display here are that of a psychopath. Narcissism, lack of guilt, no empathy, anti-social behavior, and impulsivity. Check, check, and check all the way through. We should have FBI agents monitoring the baggage carousel line, Ted Bundy and Jeffery Dahmer would have been locked up after one round trip.

Now, as I’ve always said, here at the BBC we don’t just complain, we always have solutions. It’s pretty simple honestly, basketball has already provided the guide lines.

How to Fix Airport Baggage Claim

1. Draw a line 6-feet from the carousel. Bag claimers must stand behind this line like a 3-point line on the ground.

2. The area inside the 6 foot zone is reserved only for people picking up bags. It will be called the ‘pickup zone’.

3. Much like the paint in the basketball, you will have a 3-second like rule, where you may enter inside the pickup zone, to grab your bag or check a bag that looks like yours, but you must exit immediately after.

4. There will be guards/referees, that will monitor the pickup zone, and help those in need with their bags, but their primary job is to taze anyone that violates the 3-second rule.

5. Alternatively in places that don’t want guards, install an electrified floor similar to the one shown in the show Andor (amazing show), that goes off if someone is dilly dallying around.

This should solve things. Or you know, people can just be considerate and back up, but our suggestions being implemented are just as likely.

Any additional travel input? Or are you one of those psychopaths’ and want to defend yourself? Reach out or check out our other Blogs.

I was paid one of the nicest compliments a man can receive few days ago. I was asked if I was 6 feet tall. This made my whole year, and it happened on December 31st, so that tells you something.

Now, on a good day I come in at 5’10”, however, I can see how someone would think that I am taller, since I have amazing posture and I wear 2 inch shoe-lifts… I mean what? Every inch counts, especially when you’re lacking in all departments where inches count.

But enough about all my insecurities, the real point of this blog is to point out the fact that men standing at 5-foot-11 do not exist. Have you ever even met someone who openly says they’re 5’11”? No, of course you haven’t, you live in the real world. Height has it’s own scale.  Every guy secretly lies about this, it’s something we all know but just don’t talk about. Like like the fact that all guys secretly love romcoms and hate strip clubs (right guys… right?).

Here is roughly how the scale works:

Men’s Height Scale

A few key things to note: you really need to be above 5-foot-10.5 inches or else you’re liable to get called out. No one will really call you out for any of the other heights but getting too greedy around the 6-foot mark can backfire. Nothing worse than being told, “you’re not 6-feet tall” in a group setting. You either have to immediately fight that person or go rev the engine of your American muscle car you purchased to help you overcompensate. I know this game all too well, I have a 2011 Nissan Sentra that roars like a lion. 

If you are in the 6-foot range, first off congrats, must be nice looking down on us from your ivory tower regular standing position. But no one wants to be just 6 foot flat, so you round up an inch, and say you’re 6’1″. After that I believe people are actually somewhat accurate. Unless you get into the super tall range and you want to pull a Kevin Durant:

‘But Buddy, surely there are people out there that are honest and just admit that they’re 5-foot-11?’ This is true, but these brave souls are not men, nay, they are gods amongst us. They have reached such an echelon that no measuring stick can contain them. Their confidence and inner beauty is immeasurable. If you’re one of these honest 5’11” kings, just know that you’re special. Here are just a few of those men that fit into the 5’11” category:

Three of the most talented, attractive, debonair actors out there, the Ocean 5-foot-11 crew themselves: Matt Damon, George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Who else is 5’11” you ask? How about the only man that could top the three actors above: Vin Diesel. It’s about family.

And lastly, the man, the myth, the legend, Russell “The Muscle” Wilson.  

We just read All Quiet on the Western Front (check out the book podcast and upcoming movie podcast), One thing that was apparent in both the book and movie, was the countless horrific deaths that occurred during World War I. The scene where Paul must kill a Frenchman in hand-to-hand combat sticks out. That got us thinking, what are the worst ways to die? I figured as inspiration, I’d make another quick list (I’m quite fond of ranking things); so here is a quick top 3 worst movie deaths:

Most Brutal Movie Deaths

3. Saving Private – Stabbing Scene

Another brutal hand-to-hand combat scene, with the real villain not even being the German guy but that little bitch Corporal Upham (I’ll be honest, that’s who I’d be in a war scenario).

2. The Rock – VX Gas

I love the movie The Rock. So any time there is an opportunity to include it on any list, it gets included. The VX Gas is no joke, and would be an awful way to go out. Plus, this last scene is a cinematic masterpiece.

1. Casino – Baseball Bat Scene

This one gave me nightmares when I saw it as a kid on TNT. Thanks TNT for editing out all of those swears (my innocent ears would never be able to take hearing all those bad words!) but then keeping in the scene of guys getting brutally beaten to death and then buried alive. I still don’t like watching this full scene.

Alright back to the point of this blog. History is filled with terrible deaths from starvation to plagues to torture. Finding the worst ways to kill and torture people was even a hobby for many of the sick leaders in the past. But if we’re talking the worst modern ways to die, that don’t include some form of torture or war scenario, I have one that is specific to me. It combines all my biggest fears, and replays in my mind anytime I’m flying. Let me paint the picture:

I’m halfway through the 6 hour flight to Hawaii, a dream vacation after working hard on so many great blogs. Unfortunately, the pre-flight General Tao chicken and 6 Guinness’ I consumed are not sitting well in my stomach. I hate having to shit in public, I hate flying, I hate tight spaces. The combination of all three is the worst bathroom situation possible. But desperate times call for desperate measures.

I walk to the bathroom, no line, perfect. Right as I’m about to close the door, I see four Sports Illustrated models stand up and wait in line up for the bathroom I am currently about to occupy. Not perfect. I enter the tiny bathroom and sit down. My heart is pounding. How is this place so small? Did the plane just dip slightly? No one can hear what I am about to do in this bathroom outside right? It has to be too loud.

I hear the Captain come on and mumble something. A few seconds later I’m thrown from the toilet seat. I’m flying all over the bathroom. Pee and feces leap from the toilet and fly everywhere. I’m in a porta potty that got strapped into a loop-the-loop roller coaster. The plane starts to go down. This is the end. There is screaming, chaos, I have poop all over my face. After what feels like an eternity of horror, we splash down roughly.

We are alive, somehow, we’re alive. I feebly reach for the door only to find it stuck. Water starts streaming into the bathroom. It’s freezing cold. The only thing worse than the cold is the incredible heat. What is that? I look above me and see that the ceiling is ablaze. I can feel my hair starting to burn. I crouch down as low as I can go but the cold water is starting to rush in. I try to push the door open one more time. It doesn’t budget. I peak my head up but I can literally feel my face burning. The water continues to rise. I scream bloody murder, no one responds. Outside the bathroom everyone exits the plane safely as they slide on one of those cool exit ramps. The passengers faintly hear screams but think it sounds more like an elderly cat. I slowly drown/burn to death, covered in shit, in an airplane bathroom, after surviving a plane crash. My worst fears all combined. The end.

Any way, that’s my worst way to die. Who’s got something worse? Reach out let us know!

Before I start my incoherent rant about seat belt laws, let me first state that I am very pro seat belts. I wear them in every car I get into, even when I take Ubers. I feel uncomfortable without one on at this point, like Ricky Bobby at his first press conference or Mitch in Old School (I also don’t condone the hard F). Hell, if my computer chair had a seat belt I might strap in during a particularly intense day (read: intense round of solitaire).

Now that the caveats are out of the way, let’s talk about this whole seat belt issue. Recently a friend of mine got a ticket for not wearing his seat belt. These fines can range from $15 to $162 (California, smh) depending on the state. And pretty much every state has some form of seat belt law, (except New Hampshire where they actually live up to their state motto ‘Live Free or Die’):

The ‘intent’ of these laws are to save lives, and the numbers do back this up: National seat belt use rate is at 90.7%, but of the 37,133 people killed in motor vehicle crashes in 2017, 47% were not wearing seat belts. A cynical person would say that it’s not about safety, but about revenue generation for these states. (I won’t go that far, however, I don’t believe that tickets should have a monetary value – but that’s a blog for another time).

But here is my number one problem with this law… MORTOCYCLES EXIST AND ARE LEGAL. How can you possibly pull someone over and give them a ticket for not wearing a seat belt and then watch someone ride by in a seat belt-less metal crotch rocket and say ‘yup, no issue there’. How does that make any sense? Where are their seat belts?

I’m not hating on motorcycles, if people want to ride them, they should be able to ride them. But just like not wearing seat belts, the data is pretty obvious that motorcycles are dangerous (30x higher fatality rate than cars). Knowing this, and the fact that there is no protection outside of wearing a helmet (which somehow is less strict by state than seat belts) it doesn’t make any sense that you would crack down on seat belts but then let the much, much, more dangerous activity be perfectly legal. It’d be like making weed illegal but legalizing and encouraging pharmaceutical companies to push dangerous and addictive opioids, that’d be crazy, right?

Imagine getting pulled over by a police office on a motorcycle and given a fine for not wearing a seat belt, the irony would be pretty funny at least.

My question is, how does a convertible differ from a motorcycle? Is it just the windshield that makes them different? There are 3-wheeled and 4-wheeled motorcycles after all.

If I got pulled over in a convertible for not wearing a seat belt, which I wouldn’t, because I drive a classic hard-topped American Muscle car (Nissan Sentra 2011, nbd); but if I did, I’d just argue that I’m driving a motorcycle and it’s perfectly legal not to wear a seat belt. What would be their response to that? I’m sure someone has taken this to court at some point.

This is why I wish I became a lawyer. I’d be that person suing over a $15 seat belt ticket. I would love the ability to file spite lawsuits. Unfortunately, though I would never be able to pass the bar, there is way too much reading (did I mention this is a Book Blog/Podcast site)?

Anyway, that was really my biggest complaint, obviously there is a whole other can of worms about these type of laws providing police officers ‘probable cause’ to pull anyone over. Or that adding more traffic laws and fines mostly impacts poorer demographics and ultimately these laws aren’t enough of a deterrent anyway (see: speeding). But I don’t have the knowledge or nuance to argue those finer points (which can be said for just about anything I write on this site).

In conclusion, don’t be an idiot, wear your seat belt, but if you get pulled over for not wearing one, just say you’re driving a motorcycle, and write in and let us know how that goes. 

There is nothing that gets my blood going like being talk down to. It infuriates me. Which should come as no surprise since I grew up in New England. Our whole personality is based around the concept of: “oh, you think you’re better than me?” It’s in our DNA, and is a staple of every great Boston Movie – Good Will Hunting, The Town, The Departed, Gone Baby Gone, even the Social Network.

In fact, the best thing about growing up in New England is that early in life your friends will curb any braggadocios, narcissistic, asshole behavior by endlessly mocking/making fun of you. You wear something flashy, you say something arrogant, you’re being a dickhead, you’re immediately put down.  Your social group kept you in check. Even though the barbs and jokes can be hurtful at times, it was much like a parent disciplining a child for poor behavior, in the end you became a better person.

Now when you get into the ‘real world’, suddenly you start to encounter far too many people that have never gone through this life altering process.  The people who are given an ounce of power over someone or placed in a ‘prestigious’ role and want everyone to know about it. These people think their title is a reflection of their intelligence and standing in the world. It’s not just in work scenarios either, you can find these people commonly at restaurants berating waiters, at airports screaming about masks, really in any group or power dynamic these people will present themselves. Yes, sadly even at book clubs, which is why the Buddy Book Club exists. My favorite TikTok sums this pretty well:

But the worst part about working at a job is that you have to take it. Just sit there and let someone be a complete asshole while you nod and smile. You can’t walk away from the situation, or confront them, can’t endlessly mock them (other than behind their back). You don’t want to be fired, and they know you don’t want to be fired, so they can just act like a dickhead with no repercussions. It’s the modern version of bullying. This is why I always try to be extra nice to the person working at service jobs. They have it the the worst. They not only have to constantly deal with their managers but also with customers. I’m sorry if you’re in a role like that. 

5 Most Condescending Sayings You Have to Deal With At Work

You are in a shitty work situation if you’re hearing any of these constantly:

5. Being corrected with the term “Actually…” 

The clip doesn’t do it justice, but Billy Burr is right as usual. I can’t stand someone correcting you and starting out with “actually…” this usually occurs right after some innocuous comment too. Start with “I think it’s…” or “Oh really, I thought it was…” and you won’t sound like a gigantic condescending asshole aka Ted Mosby.

4. “And what does that tell you?”

This happens a lot when you’re young and in a training situation or do something wrong. “Buddy, we’re starting to see the garbage pile up, and what does that tell you?” “That I should take the garbage out?” Just tell me what you want me to do, I don’t need a goddamn quiz. I will not be patronized!

3. “I don’t have time for this”

Unless you’re working in the armed forces or ER Triage center these words shouldn’t be uttered out of anyone’s mouth at a job. You’re not that important, you probably have plenty of time, but want everyone to know how hard you work. This is the George Costanza of answers, always looking annoyed not having “time” for anything.

2. “I’m curious why you would do X”

No, no you’re not curious. The word ‘curious’ doesn’t soften the blow and make, “why would you do that”, better, it makes it 10x worse. You’re not Sherlock Holmes solving some case, you’re grandstanding to make it sound like you’ve thought of every possibility and this one is incomprehensible to you. Now here is a scene of someone using ‘curious’ the right way:

1. “Ha, you think…”

This is the worst one of all, laughing at what someone says. In a non-work situation this could lead to fistacuffs. A little chuckle and then talking down to someone is how WW1 started. The term “I’ll show you”, was literally invented to combat the this condescending laugh. In the job setting, this is the absolute worst. Can’t happen. It’s this meme personified:

What the world needs to combat this type of behavior and these sayings is an anonymous rating system, like Rate my Professor or Uber/Lyft star rating for people in power.  Only way to keep some of these people in check is to know that there will be repercussions. Hey, maybe China is on to something.

Everyone is talking about the work-from-home movement that is currently taking place around the world. You got the old generation asking ‘how is it possible you get any work done without someone micromanaging you?”, you got young people demanding to work-from-home or quitting. We have made up words being thrown out there like “quiet quitting“. Arguments are being made on both sides, but no one is out there talking about the actual best thing about working from home. We’re all thinking it, but no one is saying it. Sure, it’s nice to have a flexible schedule, no commute time, and be able to work from anywhere. But the best thing is being able to take a shit (also known as a Roger Goodell or RG) in the privacy of your own home.

Let’s face it the bathroom situation in most offices is barbaric. Multiple stalls, pungent smell, constant foot traffic, every sound amplified and echoing. We have an 8th amendment in the constitution for a reason, the cruel and unusual punishment has gone on for too long!

How do you exit a stall and look your co-workers in the eyes after Taco Tuesdays? The bathroom is supposed to be a sanctuary. A private isolated time for self reflection. A place to relax, maybe read a book or listen to a podcast (Here is a good one…). It used to be the best part of my day. Working at an office ruined that. I was one of those people that had constant stomach pain, from both the stress and the need to go. I ended up ‘working’ more on figuring out a good bathroom situation than at my actual job. I crafted my skills and became an expert at the field of public bathroom usage, George Costanza, would be proud of me. By year 3 of working in an office I updated my resume to look like this: 

• Proficient in the use of other-floor bathrooms, researching, and scouting foot traffic.
• Analyzed best hours of bathroom usage, using pivot tables, vlookups, and graphs to find best off-hours. 
• Managed and coordinator numerous successful RG runs, independently of other co-workers.

Thankfully that skill set has been retired since my job has became work-from-home two years ago. Since then, my production has skyrocketed, my stress has decreased, my bowl movements have been immaculate. I feel like a king on the throne (in more ways than one). The weight has been completely lifted off my shoulders and out of my intestines. The feeling is really hard to put in words, but I think prominent 21st century poet Lil Wayne summed the feeling up best “Big house, long hallways, got 10 bathrooms, I could shit all day…” (Well in my case it’s more like “Small house, a hallway, got 1.5 bathrooms I can shit all day…)

How Much Salary Would You Give Up for a Private Bathroom at Work

You may think I’m speaking in hyperboles or over-dramatizing things. But there has been a running conversation between BBC members about the terribleness of work bathrooms and how much they’d give us to have this burden removed. Here is a conversation we had about this very topic way back in November 2013. Note the dollar went a lot further back then…

So the answer to this question, between 10-25% of our salary. Ask yourself this same question, and then ask yourself what is the most important part of working-from-home? Don’t take what we have for granted!

Bathroom Meetings

I’ll leave you with one last thing, have you ever wanted to feel alive? Feel a midday rush like no other? Take a zoom call whilst on the toilet. It’s like ejecting rocket fuel into your veins, the ecstasy and jubilation is unimaginable. It’s a thrill ride. One misclick of the mute button or an accidental camera share and you’re finished. You’d never be able to show your face to your co-workers (which is great because you’re already working from home). But there really is nothing like dropping more than just knowledge on a zoom call. Give it a try.