Another edition of Buddy Book Club’s Reader Emails. These are questions, pet peeves, and observations sent in from fans. Got something that annoys you, or need to get something off your chest? Reach out, send your burdens our way.

Hey Buddies — long time listener/reader first time caller. There is a growing trend at the workplace that I can’t stand. People at my work sending me a slack message that just says “hey” or “hi”, no follow ups, no nothing. It drives me crazy. Just tell me what you want and don’t make me jump through hoops. Am I wrong here? – Sammy from South Carolina

Ahh nothing like a good work pet peeve, and this one is a doozy. To the untrained eye this is a pretty innocuous gesture.  A simple ‘hey’ or ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ is not a friendly greeting in a work setting. It means far, far, more than you can imagine. It all stems back to people in work settings loving power. This type of greeting is a power move to the highest degree. There are only a few reasons why you start a conversation with “hey”, and each reason is more nefarious than the next.

Reasons Work People Start a Conversation with ‘Hey’

1) They Have Nothing to Say – This is the old, ‘I’m bored and need attention; I don’t have anything to offer, but was hoping you could entertain me’ move. It’s like when you’re dog comes up to you and puts their paw on you and stares at you. But at least a dog has an excuse, they’re only able to speak a few words. And let’s be honest, we’d all much rather talk with a dog than that co-worker starting a convo off with ‘hi’. So spit it out junior or move along.

2) They Really Want You to Ask Them Something –  It’s Joe List’s bit on this (he’s huge fan of the Buddy Book Club (probably)). They’re just reaching out so you’ll ask them something. Instead of just telling you. They want the build up. It’s like any time someone brings up chicken wings, and I just casually drop – ‘oh have you heard of the chicken wing conspiracy?’ Don’t take the bait, otherwise you’ll be stuck listening to some idiot ramble on for 45 minutes about Big Chicken.

3) Checking to See If You’re There – This one became way more prevalent with the rise of working from home. Managers quickly realized that people get their work done without being in the office, and having someone looking over their shoulders. Now what? They need to still show they’re in charge and are important. So they send these simple ‘check in’ messages that don’t do anything other than validate their own importance. You have to make small talk with them for 10 minutes about nothing and they get to go about their day knowing they did something. And that something is them making sure ‘you’re on top of it’ by disrupting your work day and momentum. 

4) They Want to Make You Grovel – This is the ultimate power play. It’s like calling your dog into eat but not letting them eat until you say they’re allowed to. In this instance you’re the dog and not in a good way. You must submit to their will until they’ll even give you the privilege of hearing what they have to say. You have to grovel at their feet and beg them just for the privilege to hear more. Their time is more important than yours, so they need your full undivided attention before they even consider divulging the likely unimportant/nonsensical/dumb information they’re about bestow onto you.

Appropriate Responses to a Conversation That Starts with just ‘Hey’

There are three different routes you can go to one-up these people. Choose wisely.

1) Go the Funny Approach – Fire off a, “Hey is for horses, better for cows”. Get them on their heels. Even if they open with “hi” or “hello” you can still fire off this response. Get them thinking you’re a little crazy, that you’re a bit of a wild card. Maybe next time they’ll think twice before opening up with just a ‘hello’, and they’ll get to the point. 

2) Uno Reverse Card – Skip right over their dumb greeting and fire off a question of your own. You know they’re at their computer, so take the upper hand in the conversation. The more hostile the better. “Where do you see our company headed in the next five years?” “I wanted to talk about getting a raise” or “I’d like to take an extended break to follow Creed on their reunion tour”. Anything that puts the onus back on them works. Now they’re backpaddling wondering why they reached out in the first place, and tearing up thinking about the live version of ‘With Arms Wide Open’.

3) Leave Them on Read – Ultimate move right here. You gotta have a big ol’ set of nuts/ovaries to pull this one off. Especially since many use this as a way to ‘check-in’ on you. Starting a conversation off with these type of greeting is a form of terrorism, and we don’t respond to terrorist threats. Alternately you could hit them with a waving emoji 👋, so you’re not responding but you responded. 

There is no perfect way to get rid of this terrible practice, but this is a start. 

Thanks for the email Sammy – keep them coming. Hotlines are open, reach out to us with whatever is ailing you.

Welcome to the second edition of Buddy Book Club Reader Emails. These are questions, pet peeves, and observations sent in from fans. Got something that annoys you, or need to get something off your chest? Reach out, send your burdens our way.

Buddies, big fan of the pod and blog. I got a situation that I’d like to hear your take on. I’m out at a bar, pull up at a urinal to take a piss. (See picture attached). I’m the guy on the right, and the dude on the left is leaning his elbow on the center piece. Height not drawn to scale. But the guy had serious encroachment issues. Do you give him a nasty look? Say Something? Do nothing? Let me know your thoughts. – James from Boston

Thanks James – great question. Side note – we’ve been looking for a graphic designer, you’re clearly over qualified, but consider this a formal offer letter. 

This runs deeper than the mere action of leaning into your space, we must first understand the urinal leaner. Get inside his brain, live a day in his shoes.

Psychology of a Urinal Encroacher

Most likely reasons for why he’s acting in such a fashion:

He’s Blackout Drunk – Maybe the guy was doing the ol ‘Irish Two-Step’ aka he’s stumbling around and can barely stand, on account of being 8 whiskeys deep. Let’s just be proud that this guy found a bathroom and isn’t pissing under a table.

Has the Clap – We’ve all been here before, right guys? I mean… We’ve all had friends that have been here before. Did you hear the man struggling to urinate or making any sort of clapping noise to help move things along? Maybe he just needed a break and was leaning for support.

He’s Checking You Out – We all know the rules when you get to a urinal: stare dead ahead, and start replaying all the mistakes you’ve made in your life until you’re done pissing. Not a good look to have someone break these trusted unwritten rules. But, hey, one day you’ll be an old decrepit 35-year-old wondering what you’re doing out drinking by yourself again around a bunch of 20-year old’s, and you’ll be begging for that guy to be checking you out. 

It’s a Power Move – There is a certain power dynamic created when you force someone to use the kids urinal. A supreme sense of confidence overcomes you. Most people ignore it, but this guy certainly leaned into it (see what I did there). This is the same person that takes the elbow rests from middle-seaters on airplanes. The bully in high school, the ‘I eat my steaks rare’ guy, the guy that revs his engines at stop lights, in short – he’s Vance Munson. This isn’t just someone leaning at a urinal, nay, this man represents is what is wrong with society. Please refer to action items 1 & 2 below for your only appropriate recourse.

Urinal Breached Etiquette Responses

Your options:

1) Immediately Throw Hands – You’re already in the short stall, he’s emasculating you enough, this gesture is over the top. Wanting to fight him is perfectly reasonable. However, I have a rule: ‘never fight someone when their dick is out’. I’ve made that mistake too many times.

2) Turn and Pee On Him – This guy wants to act like an animal? The only response is to meet force with force. No quicker way to get someone to respect your space than to brush them off your plate with a little chin music. Let him know ‘Ur-in my space” (get it? I’ll see my way out). That’ll teach him not to lean. Plus, you never know, maybe he’s into it.

3) Speak Up – Don’t want your fist/pee to do your talking?  Speak up and give the guy a piece of your mind. Key here is too make sure you continue fixate your attention to the wall. Whatever you do, don’t turn your head and make eye contact while you’re both still pissing. That would be a far, far worse crime than what he’s doing. The lean is bad, it’s ‘disorderly conduct’ in the bathroom, but direct eye contact at the urinal is equivalent to manslaughter. 

4) Do Nothing Because I’m a Coward – This right here is my default setting and what I would have done.

Thanks for the email James – keep them coming. Hotlines are open, reach out to us with whatever is ailing you.

Welcome to the first edition of Buddy Book Club Reader Emails. These are questions, pet peeves, and observations sent in from fans. Got something that annoys you, or need to get something off your chest? Reach out, send your burdens our way.

I’m at a local bagel shop walking out, I see a guy behind me, so I hold the door for him. He proceeds to take 10 seconds looking at his receipt, checking his phone, and then finally walks through the door, without even saying ‘thank you’! I fired off a, “you’re welcome” after he walked out, and then he gave me a dirty look. Am I wrong here? What should one do in this situation?  – Mike from Oakland 

Great question Mike – holding the door isn’t exactly the hardest task, but there is a certain level of general politeness that is required. The worst thing is when you hold the door for one person, they walk through and then 15 people file in behind them and you get stuck holding the door for a minute like some kind of chump, just brutal. But I digress. To answer this question, we must first establish the proper etiquette around door holding time and the reciprocal level of gratitude.

Required Level of Gratitude for Holding Door

Now it sounds like this guy is way past the 7 second marker. If this is true, he didn’t hustle through the door, and then offered no form of ‘thank you’, then I commend you for not resorting to violence. That’s Gandhi-like.

I’m not a lawyer, but I’m pretty sure if you openly attacked this man and assault chargers were brought in front of a judge, he’d throw it out instantly knowing the backstory. You start letting people get away with not giving a ‘thank you’ after a 10-second door hold, and you start destroying the very fabric of our society. Next blinker usage will stop, cutting in lines will be encouraged, people will start putting their carts horizontally in grocery aisles. Next you’ll have complete idiots taking over roller skating rinks and baggage claim carousels. Where does it end I ask you?! 

As far as your response, the sarcastic “you’re welcome” was a nice touch. I may even consider adding an overenthusiastic bow or curtsy and dropping a “m’lord” or “your majesty” as they walk by. But then again these people are so oblivious they may think they deserve that curtsy.

Me I’m a bit sicker, so I’d probably continue going to that bagel shop every day until I saw that no ‘thank you’ guy again. Wait until he’s about to leave, pretend to hold the door for him then close it right before he’s about to walk through and let it slam in his face. Then, and only then would I truly have my revenge, and he would finally suffer the pain and consequences of his actions.

Well that got me all riled up, thanks for the email Mike – keep them coming. Hotlines are open, reach out to us with whatever is ailing you.