January 6 2023

5’11” Men Do Not Exist

I was paid one of the nicest compliments a man can receive few days ago. I was asked if I was 6 feet tall. This made my whole year, and it happened on December 31st, so that tells you something.

Now, on a good day I come in at 5’10”, however, I can see how someone would think that I am taller, since I have amazing posture and I wear 2 inch shoe-lifts… I mean what? Every inch counts, especially when you’re lacking in all departments where inches count.

But enough about all my insecurities, the real point of this blog is to point out the fact that men standing at 5-foot-11 do not exist. Have you ever even met someone who openly says they’re 5’11”? No, of course you haven’t, you live in the real world. Height has it’s own scale. Every guy secretly lies about this, it’s something we all know but just don’t talk about. Like like the fact that all guys secretly love romcoms and hate strip clubs (right guys… right?).

Here is roughly how the scale works:

Men’s Height Scale

A few key things to note: you really need to be above 5-foot-10.5 inches or else you’re liable to get called out. No one will really call you out for any of the other heights but getting too greedy around the 6-foot mark can backfire. Nothing worse than being told, “you’re not 6-feet tall” in a group setting. You either have to immediately fight that person or go rev the engine of your American muscle car you purchased to help you overcompensate. I know this game all too well, I have a 2011 Nissan Sentra that roars like a lion.

If you are in the 6-foot range, first off congrats, must be nice looking down on us from your ~~ivory tower~~ regular standing position. But no one wants to be just 6 foot flat, so you round up an inch, and say you’re 6’1″. After that I believe people are actually somewhat accurate. Unless you get into the super tall range and you want to pull a Kevin Durant:

‘But Buddy, surely there are people out there that are honest and just admit that they’re 5-foot-11?’ This is true, but these brave souls are not men, nay, they are gods amongst us. They have reached such an echelon that no measuring stick can contain them. Their confidence and inner beauty is immeasurable. If you’re one of these honest 5’11” kings, just know that you’re special. Here are just a few of those men that fit into the 5’11” category:

Three of the most talented, attractive, debonair actors out there, the Ocean 5-foot-11 crew themselves: Matt Damon, George Clooney, Brad Pitt