Adult Roller Skaters are the Worst Humans on Earth

I recently ventured to a roller skating rink for a date night. I hadn’t roller skated in about 20 years, but back in the day roller rinks were fucking awesome. They made for the absolute best birthday parties. Roller skating, arcade games, laser tag, pizza, cake. What else do you need? They also played certified jams at all times. Just jock jams, 90s grunge and TRL classics on repeat. I can picture it now, rocking my baby blue in line skates (with no back breaks, because I ain’t no bitch), jamming out to ‘come on ride the train‘ with no cares in the world. Better times, better times. 

I assumed going as adult would be exactly the same things but now just add in beer. I assumed incorrectly. The problem is not the rink itself but the adults that attend it. The patrons could be broken into the three distinct groups:

1. Amateurs – folks like myself who rented skates, were there to mess around/forget about their miserable life and soulless existence, a much needed reprieve from the daily grind, to focus on one thing and one thing only: blading. I assumed the vast majority of people would fall into this bucket, but alas, we only made up a small percentage.

2. Skaters who are in it for the love of the game – There were a few select bladers’ that were there simply because they loved roller blading. No other way to put it. It was their happy place. Usually it was some 60+ dude in tie-dye attire, by himself off in his own world. I respect these people, and frankly I wish I loved anything as much as they loved skating. Strong chance they were just on acid but they were living the dream or in a dream. Either way, you do you.

3. Dudes who thought people were there to watch them skate – We all know these types of people, the guy with the aggressively loud car, the lady talking loudly on her cell phone in public, the jabroni taking every shot in pickup basketball, the person that stands up and cuts everyone to get off the airplane first, the macho man that takes all the weights in the gym. I could go on forever with these types of people. Unfortunately, I found where they all congregate, and that is at your local roller rink. The rink was just full of these over inflated ego having selfish fuckbois.

I noticed something was amiss when I started out and kept getting ran into, I figured I was doing something wrong, I apologized and was returned an annoyed look. But I was in the slow lane, I was going the right direction, I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.  I got ran into no less than 10 times before I realized what was happening. I was surrounded by assholes. All of these fuckers were going around full speed like they had rented the rink for a private function and were surprised you were there every time they bumped into you.  They were out there showing off to no one, skating backwards, doing tricks, and performing what had to be choreographed dance routines. I was looking around, I thought I was getting punk’d or maybe I had unknowingly stumbled onto the set of the sequel to ATL (underrated movie btw).

Maybe these people never won anything in their life or their parents hated them (which would be rightfully so if they had the same personality as a kid).  I just don’t understand how anyone could possibly have such an irrational confidence and belief that everyone is there to see them. You just knew these people were regulars too so they were surrounded by likeminded dickheads. I just wanted to violently shake them (maybe their parents should have done this when they were a baby?) and tell them “were at a fucking skating rink, you’re not that cool”.

Long story short, protect your childhood memories, avoid roller skating rinks and anyone that frequents them.