The Only Way to Offend the Irish this St. Patrick’s Day

Being a good American Irish lad (100% according to my parents), I, like many of my other brethren fit in perfectly with the traditional stereotypes:

White as Casper the ghost √

Red Hair √ –reddish beard same thing

Looks overall like a leprechaun √

Raised Catholic √

Likes drinking/is a drunk  √

Known to Irish Goodbye √

Born with the Irish Curse √ – for those that don’t know what this is, it means born with a… really big heart, super generous and also funny. Nothing else, don’t look it up. 

I don’t want to speak for all Irish, but I’ll also speak for all Irish. All of these are just facts. They aren’t offensive in the least. You can even throw in a few more in (fighting, intelligence level, work ethic) – they’re all probably true.

Now what is offensive is something that gets brought up quite regularly to me and I’m sure many Irishmen/women:

“You must love potatoes, you’re Irish”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Why would I like potatoes? What would ever make you say that? Oh, are you referring to the vile vegetable that killed over a million Irish, is that why I would like potatoes?

If you’re not familiar with the Potato Famine it is why many Irish (including myself) are in America. It decimated Ireland and led to a decrease in population by 25% by either death or mass exodus. Too often this is just casually brought up. A food that killed so many used as a punchline!

The potato is Ireland’s Genghis Khan. Just running through our lands fucking everything up. St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, but the potato drove the Irish out of Ireland.

That is why I boycott potatoes… Mashed, Baked potatoes, they disgust me. Unless — Unless they have suffered enough. Slowey chopped into small skinny pieces, fried in oil, salt poured in their wounds. Then and only then will I eat them. I hear potatoes hate Ketchup as well – specifically Heinz, so I’ll dip them in Heinz to add to their suffering. Only a good Irishman would know how to properly prepare these, someone with a good Irish name… like a McDonald(‘s).

So this St. Patrick’s day, call us drunks, call us pale soulless gingers, but don’t you dare bring up p*tatoes.

** Every Irish person I know except me loves all forms of potatoes and would never say a bad word about them. One day they will open their eyes.